Put a log in the fire, I want to get something off my chest here….
So with all this stuff going on in the world and all the things going on in my own personal life I really just get to thinking a lot. Like I think, a lot. To much probably. At least to much for my own good I know. I don’t know what set this little bit off. I did see a meme that said “Its all a cover up for 5g” which didn’t really effect me, but I bring it up here so maybe it did?
I can’t help but think though in this day and age of the internet and the speed at which things move and how fast the world can change and how much “internet famous” means to seemingly everyone but no one I personally know I can’t help but think. I bit the bullet and signed up for instagram the other day. Followed a “friend.” Basically a guy I know that I play D&D with but I don’t get to hang out with him as much as I’d like and put it away. By the next morning I had 2 or 3 people follow me, and I didn’t even post anything. It got me thinking but I’m still falling back on Facebook. The good old system I know because old people can’t stand change, right?
Then theres all the world politics what with corona, brexit, Trump being presidente and stock market and this place is just a damn mess. Just really a mess man and it gets me thinking. Mostly it gets me shaking my head because whats it all coming to? What really is the point of this all?
I’m only 41 man, I’m not that old but I find myself thinking about my life, where I have come from and where I am going and yes, eventually where I will be and what I meant and what it all meant and the struggle. The constant daily damn struggle of it all. The hills and valleys. My son is turning 13. Thirteen years. We had a talk about cars. I told him I will spend as much on a car as he can save up. I will match it. I know what I would change going back. I have 20 years more experience of life *after* 20 than anyone *being* 20. I think about that with my parents. When I said I would match him on his car it got me thinking about it all. About *it all.* I think it all starts with a car. Every kid wants a car. Every person wants a thing. Every person needs to pay for that thing and then it just escalates until you have bills upon bills and debt. Thats capitalism baby. The rich feeding off the poor and I see the cycle. I see how the world works and I want no part of it anymore. I can’t stand it. For a long time now I’ve grown to appreciate the “ignorance is bliss” motto because it is. Outside the realm of what I can influence and what makes me a better person I can’t change. It can change me, yes, but I can’t change it. I can check a box on a piece of paper and drop it in a box but as they have said, the votes don’t matter, its the people counting that does.
Now I’m not all conspiracy theory nut here I’m just venting because I am just sick of the system. It repugnants me. It makes me want to just tell people I know to just shut the fuck up. There is enough of it all flying around just in the air that its vile an infectious and horrible and its just unhealthy and this little vent is just helping me clear my mind. I have faith in this world and in my kids to be decent people and I can only raise them to be as good as I can but I can see things and I see my weakness and I just want better for them. I don’t want them or the world to keep falling into the same traps. I want people to come out of this, but maybe coming of age in this world like this, maybe this world has always been like this? Maybe the world is just always full of BS and it never stops. Somewhere it has to though and I want to find there. I want to end there, in peace. I don’t want any end to be a final cry of pain, rather a sigh of sweet release.
I do find myself wondering though, whats the whole point to it all? What does all this matter? I’m disecting some books others have wrote to put up material on planes data for D&D people. Whats it matter? Theres probably a hundred sites better than whatever I am doing…. What does it all matter?
I think it comes down to just finding your zen. Whatever it is in the world that makes the world drown itself out and all that static can just go away. I think that’d be the place and I’m hoping that I can find a ticket.