Category Archives: My Life

The thing of it all…

Put a log in the fire, I want to get something off my chest here….

So with all this stuff going on in the world and all the things going on in my own personal life I really just get to thinking a lot. Like I think, a lot. To much probably. At least to much for my own good I know. I don’t know what set this little bit off. I did see a meme that said “Its all a cover up for 5g” which didn’t really effect me, but I bring it up here so maybe it did?

I can’t help but think though in this day and age of the internet and the speed at which things move and how fast the world can change and how much “internet famous” means to seemingly everyone but no one I personally know I can’t help but think. I bit the bullet and signed up for instagram the other day. Followed a “friend.” Basically a guy I know that I play D&D with but I don’t get to hang out with him as much as I’d like and put it away. By the next morning I had 2 or 3 people follow me, and I didn’t even post anything. It got me thinking but I’m still falling back on Facebook. The good old system I know because old people can’t stand change, right?

Then theres all the world politics what with corona, brexit, Trump being presidente and stock market and this place is just a damn mess. Just really a mess man and it gets me thinking. Mostly it gets me shaking my head because whats it all coming to? What really is the point of this all?

I’m only 41 man, I’m not that old but I find myself thinking about my life, where I have come from and where I am going and yes, eventually where I will be and what I meant and what it all meant and the struggle. The constant daily damn struggle of it all. The hills and valleys. My son is turning 13. Thirteen years. We had a talk about cars. I told him I will spend as much on a car as he can save up. I will match it. I know what I would change going back. I have 20 years more experience of life *after* 20 than anyone *being* 20. I think about that with my parents. When I said I would match him on his car it got me thinking about it all. About *it all.* I think it all starts with a car. Every kid wants a car. Every person wants a thing. Every person needs to pay for that thing and then it just escalates until you have bills upon bills and debt. Thats capitalism baby. The rich feeding off the poor and I see the cycle. I see how the world works and I want no part of it anymore. I can’t stand it. For a long time now I’ve grown to appreciate the “ignorance is bliss” motto because it is. Outside the realm of what I can influence and what makes me a better person I can’t change. It can change me, yes, but I can’t change it. I can check a box on a piece of paper and drop it in a box but as they have said, the votes don’t matter, its the people counting that does.

Now I’m not all conspiracy theory nut here I’m just venting because I am just sick of the system. It repugnants me. It makes me want to just tell people I know to just shut the fuck up. There is enough of it all flying around just in the air that its vile an infectious and horrible and its just unhealthy and this little vent is just helping me clear my mind. I have faith in this world and in my kids to be decent people and I can only raise them to be as good as I can but I can see things and I see my weakness and I just want better for them. I don’t want them or the world to keep falling into the same traps. I want people to come out of this, but maybe coming of age in this world like this, maybe this world has always been like this? Maybe the world is just always full of BS and it never stops. Somewhere it has to though and I want to find there. I want to end there, in peace. I don’t want any end to be a final cry of pain, rather a sigh of sweet release.

I do find myself wondering though, whats the whole point to it all? What does all this matter? I’m disecting some books others have wrote to put up material on planes data for D&D people. Whats it matter? Theres probably a hundred sites better than whatever I am doing…. What does it all matter?

I think it comes down to just finding your zen. Whatever it is in the world that makes the world drown itself out and all that static can just go away. I think that’d be the place and I’m hoping that I can find a ticket.

Jump to 24:50. I found this later in the evening. Look up the guy and actually think about what he has to say. just saying….
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Kobe

You know, not too much really effects me these days.  I mean, yeah, things affect me, but they don’t effect me.  I find myself thinking about Kobe Bryant’s death recently.  There are usually a good number of celebrity deaths throughout a year(s).  Wayne Static, Robin Williams, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger and others I am forgetting.  There have been a string of suicides with Chester Bennington and Scott Weiland and others.  These deaths affect me because these guys were just to much before their time.  I wanted to see what else they had in them.

I love me some Linkin Park but hearing it now takes me to a place of remembrance because he died.  He didn’t ruin the band because it still stands but its now a time and a place because there won’t be any more.  I actually feel bad for the loss of what they could have brought to the world and what these guys have actually brought to the world while they were here.  Their songs and movies hit a chord and had emotion and you got to imbibe that.  It helped you deal with and overcome things.  I had part of “Numb” as my ringtone for my parts for a short time.  Robin Williams was just amazing.  All these guys just had something about them but that’s the thing.  They all had their demon’s.  Everyone has their demon’s they deal with on the inside.  Not everyone shows them and you don’t know what people deal with.  They each had the word by the balls, so to speak.  They had the luxury of money.  So why couldn’t they just put their problems aside and live the life they wanted with the resources they had?  I like to think about Steve Jobs.  He died literally at the top.  The tippy-top of the world.  He was it.  He had everything and it was gold…  He still died.  Nothing could stop it.

Kobe though…  Kobes death is different because he died in a helicopter crash.  I find myself thinking about this because he died with his daughter.  I don’t think I heard about it or I saw the headline and my cousin texted me “its a bird, no its a helicopter, no its Kobe going down.  lol too soon?”  Followed by a picture of Kobe’s wife saying shes back on the market.  Now I tend to let a lot of things ride but this one strikes me because he died in a helicopter crash….  with his daughter….  and numerous other people…. because he wanted to save some time getting across LA.  He was doing a routine trip across town to go coach his daughter’s game for some charity thing and they all ended up dying in what I presume was a flaming wreck.

Do you think he saw it coming?  Do you think everyone saw it coming?  What do you think those last few minutes were like?  Did he have a chance to hold his daughter?  Were they looking each other in the eyes when their lives left them?

I’m not a sports junky.  End of the day I could give a shit about sports ball or whatever you play it with.  That is not a way to go though.  Money doesn’t stop bad things from happening.  Nothing stops bad things from happening.  The world really doesn’t give a shit about you, me or the next guy.  What does matter is how you spend your days.  What matters is where you put your energy.  It is morbid to say but what will people say at your funeral?  Its not even about the amount of people at your funeral, could be one, could be a hundred.  What it is though is whats felt there?  Truly and deeply.

Are you making the world a better place?  Are you spending your energy wisely?  How did you evolve as a person today?

I hope you did something today that made the world a better place.  For yourself and for others.  Even if its the little things…

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We’ve come to a point…

Any time I have had a website before I usually tend to lag at a point and it seems to have come to that. I have plans for this place but I’ll be honest I don’t know what. I have ended up copy/pasting a lot of articles from my notes into this system. I don’t like the idea of plagiarism, I don’t like the thought of that I’m trying to take credit for something someone else wrote and I’m not trying to do that. I’m also not saying this place is a place to get your newest and bestest ideas and that I will be actively developing new systems and things to put on Kickstarter.

This place started out as an idea that I want an online repository for battle maps. Thats what this place was and with that idea I should have just choose a website based off that idea because currently at post date I am not emphasizing that enough. I have a collection and I am going through that collection because there are some lackluster maps and I have more to upload. I have 400 from Witcher 3 currently and I’m not sure what to do with those. Should I add them to the gallery or create posts? Should I do both? I don’t know.

This place is more abut just my collection of stuff. I have copied a lot of notes and made a note of notes to myself about ideas and I was trying to use this place to help me develop some of those notes into something usable. In the end though it will probably just be a place for my collection of notes and my thoughts on things and stuff.

I don’t want to just move my notes from one place to the other and I don’t want this place just complete mess of randomness that a person just gets lost in so I’m trying to ride the line and figure out what I really want from here….  What is my passion?  What do I actually have to say thats new??

I am hoping to update regularly but I struggle with life things but it will be a thing I stive for, to update regularly.

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Life Bullshit #1

(Ed: This was posted to my myspace back in the day… Like 2015. =P )

Its been tiring, mentally and physical for awhile now. There is so much I want to do but can’t seem to find the time or energy and when I get the time I don’t have the energy and vice versa, it sucks. I’m walking down a dead end path career wise as I’m absolutely not in a field I want to be but the skills I have are not employ-able as I have no official training, god forbid we learn stuff on our own. I’ve been wanting to develop my own comic type series for a long while and have done that. I have episode two lined up but need to fill out with word balloons and I have it plotted out but not sure I’ve wrote myself into a corner but I may have developed a way out. I’ve developed my website, which I’m partially proud of but bugs me because its still lacking some finishing touches and I can’t implement the comic the way I want. I’m thinking of going back to school for web development. I’d go for animation and graphics but theres no employers here for animation and not sure how I feel about straight graphic design as I’m artistic but in an abstract sense. Being a dad is kinda great. Its a weird feeling I’ve never really had before. I’ve never been one of those guys to hold other peoples babies before but when its your own its just different. I thought the crying would drive me nuts but it doesn’t. The worst part(so far) is the grueling routine of feedings every 2-3 hours and diapers. In a way he reminds me a lot of me. I think he looks more like me then Trish. I think he has more of my personality, which I hope is true. Its strange having that feeling you would protect something with every being in your soul. In a way Spencer has given my life meaning, not new meaning, just meaning. I was thinking the other day that I’m not ready to be called dad because my dad is dad, but I am a dad now. Worst part is my life is not quite on track unless I want to work shit jobs for crap pay for the rest of my life. I’d like to apologize to everyone I haven’t been talking to much lately. I’ve kind of secluded myself into my own rural corner of the county. I don’t want to lose touch with any of my friends I’ve made over the last year or so but feel like I am. We don’t talk as much as we did and I know that is as much my fault as theirs but it makes me wonder if I’m a good friend because I’ve based my friendships on that fact in the past. I’ve gotten into trouble for the people I’ve hung out with before and I’ve gone out of my way for my old friends(from like 3-4 years ago). It got to a point in my life where I did more contacting them then they me and I began to feel that wasn’t right. That feeling makes me secede further from them to “test” my theory. It then gets to a point we haven’t talked in months and after that lives just part ways. Its happened I don’t know how many times in my life. I guess maybe this is why I’m considered avoidant. I don’t want to lose touch with anyone because I like the people I’ve been meeting. In some ways they are inspirations to me and most are quite interesting folk. So I guess where I’m going is just that I apologize for my half of losing touch if, in fact we do.<BR/><BR/>I guess the bigger place I’m going with this is I’ve had the recurring thought again about ditching myspace. I’m not sure I have the time for this place anymore. Like right now, while I have the free time I should be putting some effort into my domain but I feel my friends are here and my time is limited, especially now days. To me myspace has kind of turned into just another email address and a place to keep up with the 2 blogs that are posted a week but I find myself coming back for not much, just to get a message a month, an interesting bulletin once and again and a blog. I’ve never gotten into the whole blogging thing I guess. Personally I’d rather have just a small community site of friends that can write back and forth with their thoughts and what really matters in their lives. I’m more a fan of conversation instead of just putting something out there and maybe get a response that people very rarely respond to. Like this blog, I’d rather be talking about this where someone could put input in and have an open discourse but I have to write this big long thing to get it all out… So I don’t know if I’m ditching myspace or not. I’m also thinking of changing my email addy because I now hate hotmail. I might buy a new domain just for a cool email address. If anyone has any ideas for cool domain names, shoot me a line so I can jot it on my list to look up.<BR/><BR/>Also, if you want to at least try to stay in touch, shoot me a message(as in not a comment) and I’ll send you my new email which I hope to be getting sometime soon. Even if you care to tell me something I don’t already know about you and I’ll return in favor. I find every life has its own interesting tale to tell, whats yours?

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Now then…

Now that I have a couple posts under my belt, so to speak, on this platform of mine, I need to find some kind of system for updating this thing. By no means am I going to be saying I’m going to be putting up a new post every week on Tuesdays at 1pm, and 1am until I die but I need to mentally sit down in the astral plane and figure out how I want to run this thing.

When people create a site it tends to be based off one thing. That thing usually having its own domain name. Like dandbattlemaps, that would probably be a site about battle maps. Or such a site as coated in sugar, which would probably be a site in and of itself based on a web comic of sorts where some dude makes shit that makes himself laugh. Or maybe even reviews or interesting things or thoughts and ideas and D&D tool sets, which are all blog worthy in themselves but when you jumble all this mess together it kind of creates a sort of confusing place which is probably why people create different sites. Do people who want to see only battle maps really want to see Coated In Sugar or some post about being a dad? Yeah, probably not…

So I need to sit down and, like I said before, physically figure out a way to get the areas of this place sorted into their different sections. Which I guess comes down to what people see on the front page of this thing…

More web editing…… Sweet. I’m diving a bit further in than I have before. Wish me luck.

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